Sharing The Humor...

There are times when our family conversations just have to be shared. Today I got a two-fer and never saw either one coming. Which, frankly, is the best way to enjoy our twisted sense of humor.

Today started off like an average Monday with me trying desperately to find three good things I could say about it.

An aside: If you are having a very bad day, or even an average bad day, try my lemonade recipe to turn any bad day into a sunny day...  It really takes some practice to get it right so don't worry if it doesn't work right off the bat. Find three good things about your day already and really get creative with your imaginative descriptions. Like I said, this takes practice and since practice makes perfect, introduce the concept to everyone who annoys you. Then you too can have a two-fer kind of day. See how this works? End of aside.

Back to my three good things: Latin Education, Catapults and Mondays. What's not to love?  Let your imagination run wild. Wild is a good thing for Mondays.  You may thank me for this bit of wisdom later.

This mindset, I took into the doctor's office with me this afternoon.  Even after the excitement of finding out I had high blood pressure today and since it seems like I do nothing in half measures, it topped out at 157 over 117. My normal blood pressure always used to be 96 over 68. Always. Just another sign that I am improving with age. My doctor, however, did not agree with me and sent me home to take some blood pressure medication, lay down and do some serious meditation. I could have told her that I only know humorous meditation, but she didn't look like she'd take that comment well, and hell, I didn't want to ruin her day.

So off I trot to pick up the kids and then head home to do as the doctor ordered.  This is where the first bombshell dropped.

Me to Rachel and Erin: "So the doctor told me to keep the stress level down and go home."

Erin, "I guess then, that now is not the time to tell you that you're about to become a Grandmother."

At first I thought I must have been mistaken, because that sure sounded like my 14 year old and not my 18 year old. There's an old saying that says it's the quiet ones you really have to look out for. Yup, Erin is definitely not the chattiest one in the family.

So no. Now would normally not be the best time to tell me news of that sort, but damn if I could stop laughing.

Then my husband gets home from his temporary duty in the Florida panhandle this evening... Just in time for a snow storm.

Another aside: Instead of hunting down and hurting the person or persons responsible for the Happy Snoopy Snow Dance, I've decided to have everyone I know start dancing the Happy Snoopy Spring Dance. I'm ready for flowers, maple syrup season, and allergies. Bring it on. I don't care if you can't dance. Do it anyway. No one will see you unless you do it at work or in a grocery store isle.  So go ahead into your bathroom, turn on the shower to cover any possibility of odd noises coming through the door for your family to start worrying about. You'll feel so much better for it and I will be thrilled that you cared enough to help jump start Spring around here. 'Kay? End of another aside.

Danielle came over for dinner and while the conversation was all that is normal at our dinner table, I nearly spit my teeth out when Danielle regaled us with her adventures on Face Book.

"I saw someone post, 'So you know when you are cutting a piece of paper and all of a sudden you realize your about to cut an atom.' and all I could think was, 'you just need to step away from the glue now'."

"I picked the wrong day to quit sniffing glue!" ~ Airplane!

This is pretty ironic considering some of the conversation volleys over the years, but yeah, it was pretty funny with her serious facial mien and hand gestures.  Maybe you'd have had to be there for this to sound funny to you, but life is short. Laugh while you can.  So I decided that it was time to step away from the chalupas and quickly go write this blog post before I have to give last rights to a few more memory brain cells (without nary a sight of glue to sniff).

Another successful lemonade-making opportunity. Life is good.

Latin Education, Catapults and Mondays...

This is what I thought of when our kids wanted to learn how to make catapults...

Cum catapultae proscriptae erunt tum soli proscript catapultas habebunt.

When catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults

Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.

I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head

This is what you get from offspring who are related in any way to my husband. He, of course, would be out there to help build them and give pointers on what makes the best ammunition. Get him together with his siblings and you'd have a catapult convention to engineer a better catapult and lessons on how to choose the most aerodynamic rocks. Add in all the offspring for loading and spouses for food and we'd have a barbecue worthy of the Fourth of July.

It's a Monday. One must ponder things like this on Mondays to keep one sane. 

Have a Happy Monday!

Observing Instead Of Vacationing...

So the husband is currently on temporary duty at a different base and has been tapped to be an inspector for a 'practice' military exercise even though he was only expecting to be an 'observer'. This means instead of observing the action, he's grading those doing the action and writing up what they did wrong. In other words, no vacation here...

After the panic of the first day, I got a text message this morning that said, "Today is fun. I get to kill folks and break things."

(In military speak, that means something like, "I get to point at someone and say, 'You just got shot.' then say to his buddy, 'Just what are you supposed to do now?' and 'This piece of equipment just broke, how are you going to do your job without it?'")

I, of course, texted him back and said, "Life is all about little trade offs."

Then I get the call this evening...
"I missed breakfast and lunch and just got back to the hotel after a very long day and four double shots of scotch. Think I'll go to bed now..." 

It's 7pm there. Yup, military life rarely changes it's spots.

QOTD: "Airplanes suffers from so many technical faults that it is only a matter of time before any reasonable man realizes that they are useless!" ~ Scientific American (1910)

Loretta Lou And The Logistics Of Selling Your Kids On Ebay...

A few years back I was reading another favorite blog of mine, Just Another Snarky Wife. Her post was about her husband coming home after being deployed and doing the happy snoopy dance.  I laughed and cried reading this post.  But the one thing that really stuck with me was her theory about how to be a successful Navy spouse but truly, it is true for any spouse (or single parent for that matter), that has one of those days.  You know the kind I'm talking about...

"I have a theory: The successful Navy spouse is the one who can paste a cheery smile on her face even though she's working out the logistics of selling the kids on eBay, ditching the house, finding a job at a truck stop restaurant in Podunk, Arizona, and changing her name to Loretta Lou. Okay, it's not a theory so much as an intense desire to know I've hit some type of marker of success. /snort"

That was just too funny a definition to pass up passing it on!  Please read the entire post, I've linked it here (and on her blog name above)

 

QOTD: "I have always believed that writing advertisements is the second most profitable form of writing. The first, of course, is ransom notes..." ~ Philip Dusenberry

The Care And Feeding Of Offspring...

Erin: "Mom? Can Rachel and I get something to eat before we come home from school? We're starving!"

Me: "NO! Absolutely NOT! I want you starving when you get home!"

Erin: "Mom?"

Me: "Yes dear?"

Erin: "I may have to eat you!"

Me: "Naw. I wouldn't taste very good. I'm a tough old bird."

Erin: "Then I'll feed you to the cats!"

Me: "Okay. I guess you guys can go get something to eat."

You know? I really thought I had already fed them yesterday? Maybe it's time to increase their feed? Maybe feed them twice a day instead of once? They're good kids so I guess I'll be more generous.